One summer, when I was about 10 years old, my parents made me go with family friends to church. My parents didn’t go with us but I guess they thought that my brother and I could use some religion; or maybe they just wanted us to get out of the house. In short, I hated it! I couldn’t understand the preacher, the songs were stupid, it was terribly boring and felt like punishment. I dreaded Sundays and every week I tried to find excuses as to why I couldn’t go. Moreover, I doubted God existed so what was the point of going to church?
At the same time, I had intense internal struggles about life and faith. I assumed that human beings were just like any other animal that evolved over the billions of years and that there was no meaning to life other than the survival of the fittest. Nevertheless, I also struggled with a lot of “Why” questions. I wondered, “Why am I living? Why am I human? Why do I have everything I need but am still not satisfied?” I knew that there must be more to life, that there must be something worth living for. During this time, I remember sitting in my room one day and being overwhelmed with these questions and felt an intense desire to know if God was there or not. I pleaded with Him to reveal Himself if he was truly real. I hoped that He might send a lighting bolt into my room or speak to me audibly. To my dismay, nothing happened. Thus, I concluded that God didn’t exist or if he did, he didn’t care enough about me to reveal himself.
Meanwhile, I was hanging out with my friend Heather. She was strange in that she seemed to have real faith in God and loved going to church. However, what struck me most was not her strong belief in God, but her LOVE for Him. She would tell me about Jesus and say stuff like, “Jesus is the way, the truth and the life” and “Jesus is the only way to heaven”. I thought she was nuts, but at the same time something inside of me was stirred. I started to wonder, “Hum, maybe there is something to what she’s talking about. Maybe THIS has something to do with all my questions about the meaning of life”.
In 8th grade, I was invited to a weekend youth camp with Heather’s church. Although I was eager to go, I was still very skeptical about the church and Christianity as a whole. However, my curiosity overcame my hesitations so I went bringing my fears and doubts.
Honestly, I can’t remember what the speaker taught at that retreat. Probably because I had no idea what was going on or what was being said. What I do remember is being really impressed that there were about 50 or so youth that really believed and worshiped God. God didn’t seem like a distant deity but an intimate, loving, and holy being.
At the retreat I was given a Bible and read it for the first time. Of course I didn’t understand it but I left the retreat eager to start reading more. From that day on, I started to read the Bible on a daily basis. I also began attending a Bible study with my two friends where we studied passages about Jesus life and teachings. There I was given freedom to ask questions about Christianity, the Bible and Jesus while they would patiently answer all my questions.
One week we came to a passage that talked about Jesus’ resurrection. It was the first time I had heard that Jesus died for our sins and came back to life 3 days later. This shocked and perplexed me. It was at this time I realized that if I wanted to believe in Jesus, I would have to believe some pretty intense and crazy stuff! I still had a lot of doubts but started to read other books such as More than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.
By the end of 8th grade, I came to realize that my hesitations weren’t so much stemming from my lack of belief, but from my unwillingness to commit my life to God’s will. I wanted to be a Christian but was afraid to fully surrender all to follow Jesus in fear that God would have me do things I didn’t want.
Eventually I came to realize I needed to make a decision. It was Jesus or bust. One night, as I was lying in bed, I began to pray. I had no idea what to say to God other than simply, “God I believe that I need you. I ask for forgiveness for living my life for myself. I want to live for you from now on…whatever that means.”
I didn’t really know what I was talking about but God did. From that day, He has set me free from my selfish desires and filled my emptiness with inexpressible joy and the desire to live for Him. I soon learned that God does not promise to make my life easy or painless, but He does promise life to the fullest.